Day 232; August 31st, 2011: Murder Mystery

Today has already proven to be a great day. Woke up to my "big brother" holding a plate of chocolate chip pancakes in front of my face (needless to say, I have the best big brother in the world), then got to go dance (yeah, it was ballet but it was still dancing), then went to lunch with my big brother and now I'm happy 'cause my hair is finally long enough to hold a curl!
And then I have Zach's party tonight. ♥ So much happiness today. Zach... feel VERY loved. I'm totally dressed up for your party. I haven't dressed this much like a dancer in years.... feel loved, buddy. Lol. Can't wait for the party (as you can tell since I'm ready a half hour early).

Later: Oh my goodness, so happy I went to Zach's party. It was fabulous! Met some great new people... and ended up being an accidental murderer... oops. :)
Thank you Zach, for putting on such an awesome party. It was one of the highlights of my summer for sure! ♥

 

Day 231; August 30, 2011: Happy Feet at Kenneth's

So something I haven't said is I have a boyfriend. His name is Kenneth, I kinda haven't mentioned him because I know its not going to last long at all. Either way, I hung out with him all day today.
I drove out to his house and watched Happy Feet with him and then Richard came over. We wrote a rather pathetic song... and then I drove home.
End of day.
Reason I don't think it'll last between Kenneth and I: He's more of a female than I am. He complains constantly. He smokes. He's not intelligent. He lives really far away. He lost his license to a DUI. I can already tell I'm nothing to him compared to his ex.

Day 230; August 29th, 2011: Cabaret?

So today I was working on cleaning and doing laundry.... never ending task, let me tell you. Phew.

I drove Mat out to Cottage Grove for play rehearsal and the assistant director asked if I sang... I said no, jokingly but then told her that I do. Then I told her I've danced for 16 years as well. She asked if I'd be curious in being in their production of Cabaret... I said if I was needed I'd do it. 

So I guess we'll see.

Day 229; August 28th, 2011: So very tired.

So very tired. Had work today which I meant to get up 2 hours early for... yeah, that failed. So glad Serena was there or I would have died since one of the kids decided to kinda attempt to suffocate his brother. Then came home and went to football practice with Mat (got a bit of sun too). Then Kenneth and Richard came over and we all went swimming. (Also would like to say that I love my lil sis, Miss B.)
All in all... good day.
Hope everyone else can say the same.

Day 228; August 27th, 2011: Happy birthday puppy dog.

Today was my puppy's birthday and it was great. I made him a ginger bread cake and he like flipped out about it. I'm sad he's getting old, but I know he can't be my puppy forever.


After we celebrated with my dog for a bit... Mat, Richard, Emily and I went to the Eugene Celebration. This (being the Eugene Celebration), was both awesome and just what I needed and horrible and made me literally start to cry. It made me miss Vegas so so so so much and reminded me of when Chris  and I went to the First Friday (right?) the first time it was going on while I was there.

Day 227; August 26th, 2011: Other than that, today was just another day.

 I can't even start to explain today. I hung out with Richard and Kenneth. We just hung out really. We played Wallball for a bit and I guess I had some pent up anger 'cause I was hitting pretty hard and bruised my knuckle. So that kinda sucks.
Other than that, today was just another day.

Day 226; August 25th, 2011: Even a strong bridge can only hold so much weight before it starts to break

Today I've been holding in tears... I keep feeling like I'm starting to lose grip on everything that I have. My sanity is going out the window and my strength is slowly withering away to nothing. I'm watching myself every day just lose all the power I have...
I lost control over everything I've had control over. I lost control of my mind and how I think. I lost control of my disorder and I've lost control of figuring out ways to get everything to work.
I'm always told about how strong everyone thinks I am, I've always believed it too... but I guess even a strong bridge can only hold so much weight before it starts to break.

Day 225; August 24th, 2011: Heart pounding, mind racing... Yeah... I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight. :/

I don't know about today. I haven't liked it much.

Heart pounding, mind racing... Yeah... I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight. :/

Day 224; August 23rd, 2011: Miss her

 So no lie, I'm only wearing a hood to cover my hair, its so messy right now, its ridiculous.

Now for the real thoughts of the day:
I miss my sister... as much as it makes me laugh that my family section on facebook is mostly my friends... I still really miss my sister. It drives me nuts that we aren't talking at all. I tried emailing her and there was nothing.
I hate that we're still fighting, but I guess its ultimately up to her. I can't change her mind or make her listen to me... so what ever. Yeah, I'll always miss her but ya know, I apologized. That's as much as I can do. If she wont listen to me... then fine.
I'm trying to realize that I always knew this was coming: the day I no longer feel I can call my sister, my sister. But its just something that's really hard to accept.




And I know it'll never be okay with me.

Day 223; August 22nd, 2011: Caring?

Ya know... its been an up and down/roller coaster of emotions day. But I'm starting to realize how much I really just don't care. I kinda expect people to hurt me, and I honestly just tend to not care. I know this probably isn't the healthiest thing in the world, but its true. I mean, I fell in love with guys who all just let me fall on my face... I let my friends emotionally and mentally tear me apart.... at this point... I'm just done caring. I mean, no one notices when I'm on the edge of breaking down... but I'm still supposed to be there for everyone else. Why am I the only one who seems to be caring?

Day 222; August 21st, 2011: "it's not a treadmill... It's a moving floor!“

So today when I got off of work, Zack was here. It was great to see him. We all just kinda chilled and did nothing till we decided to go to the pool. I didn't really want to get it, but with Zack... its law. So I got in, and jumped out.
When we got back to the apartment the three of us were just goofing off and I decided to go change out of my bathing suit. Next thing I know the door is opening and Mat is pouring water on me. Three cups of ice water later, I was dressed and freezing cold.
Then we decided to invite Richard over, and he brought Kenneth over. We played a little poker, in which Richard won.

Best quote of the night: "It's not a treadmill... It's a moving floor!" - Richard

Day 221; August 20th, 2011: irritates me.

Today was just long... and kinda emotional. Got in an argument with my dad and just haven't really wanted to be around people.
There's times where I just don't understand why I deal with my dad as much as I do. He just irritates me...
Zack is here and we're just trying to figure some stuff out I guess.
And I had work today which was fine, but there was some emotional things that happened.
Its kinda just been one of those days.

Day 220; August 19th, 2011: Movie day

I have the apartment to myself while Mat goes and gets Zack. So I haven't moved from my bed and have just watched movies, that's it. Its been great. I've seen some cruddy acting, and some hilarious scenes. I have work tomorrow so I really should go to sleep, but I kinda can't get comfortable.

Day 219; August 18th, 2011: Twitter

Today I got a Twitter account.... add me at car_d1110.
Other than that.... I had nothing today.
Sssssoooo  yeah....

Day 218; August 17th, 2011: Blah blah blah blah

Today is just one of those blah days.
Mat and I were supposed to have a game night, but that didn't go through. We went and saw Chris for a bit and then left.
Yeah, that's kinda it.
Other than that,
my dog is so spoiled.

When I took him out, he got drenched by the sprinklers... so I brought him inside, dried him off, wrapped him in a blanket and put him on my heating pad.
Can't say I don't love him.

Day 217; August 16th, 2011: Hiking and broke

 So today Chris, Mat, Ria and I went hiking up Spencer's Butte. It was so pretty and very much what I needed. Chris and I talked a lot too. He got me to realize a lot.
I tend to put myself out there and not expect anything in return. His example was this guy wont even get on a bus to come and see me but he expects me to go all the way to see him.
I'm not saying I'm a great girlfriend, but I know I do a lot for the guy when I'm in a relationship. I try my hardest to always be there for the guy and try my hardest to do whatever I can to make his life easier.

 But what do I get, usually a broken heart. I don't expect anything. Sometimes a simple thank you is more than I could ever ask for but sometimes I don't get that.
I told Chris that my "type" kinda tends to be jerk-ish. I tend to go for the guys that aren't going to treat me like a princess and aren't going to make me feel like I'm the best thing in the world. I don't know why I go for this, but I always have. I can't seem to break the habit.
I'm kind of trying right now but during that hike... I broke and I did what I told myself I never would:

 I text Devin. I told him that I just need someone to be there for me right now and he said he would be. I made him promise that he would never leave out of my life and he promised that he never would.
All this just reminds me of how him and I used to be... back in high school. Every time there's just one memory that comes back at all times.
There was this ridiculous app thing on Myspace where you could "buy your friends" and nickname them. My friends were having a hey-day with this but then one day I was having a horrible day... I got online and saw I had a notification from this app. 

 I checked it, and saw that Devin had "bought" me. I was kinda mad at him because him and I were fighting. My friend who previously "owned" me had put my nickname as:
"That one hott chick"
I didn't expect Devin to change it but he did... and when I read it I started grinning and crying. It said:
"You may buy her back, but I'll always win her with my heart."
How could I stay mad at that?

 Now every single time I'm mad at him, that memory comes into my mind. Sometimes it makes me even more mad at him, sometimes it makes me forgive him. But I always wonder if he remembers doing that.
Doubt it.
I wish I could go back in time. I can think of so many things I'd like a chance to change or just watch. I know I never regret anything that has happened... and I still don't, but sometimes... I just wonder "what if".
What if Devin and Mat had come to that first Valentine's dinner Sophomore year... what if I had gotten my license on time...

 what if I had tried harder... maybe that's where this having to do everything attitude came from... I didn't really try with Devin. And I regret it. I'm always stuck wondering what it would have been like if I had tried.
Now I possibly try to much, especially since I have the growing fear of getting hurt or hurting others.
People say I'm easy to fall in love with, so that's why I back up quickly when guys say something that just.... doesn't hit right with me.

Like I said, this hike was what I needed... though I still feel like I need to just break down and cry....

Day 216; August 15th, 2011: nothing

Today I did nothing. Yeah, that's it... I didn't want to do anything I just want to breathe for a bit. I need to figure some stuff out and I can't seem to.


Mat, Richard and I did go to a movie though. It was funny. Though I can't remember what it was called. 

Day 215; August 14th, 2011: Surprise surprise

So went to work and was hoping the kids would help lift my spirits, it did kind of work but not fully.

Then I went out to ice cream with Daniel. It was nice to be treated for a bit.

When I got home I got a text from Mat saying I was going to go the cast party with him.

Surprise surprise, Chris was there too.

That kinda made me feel better since I haven't seen him in a long time.

Day 214; August 13th, 2011: Just wish I could right now.

 

Guess it took watching someone else break down to realize...
I'm stronger than I think I am, but...
its time for me to break down too.

Just wish I could right now.

Day 213; August 12th, 2011: Its going to be funny to watch that entire world change

 

 I really should be asleep since I have to get up no later than 7... but I can't seem to make the thoughts in my head stop spinning. There's just so much going on and no way to express any of it... I almost feel like I need to hike to the top of a mountain and just scream... or... well... lets not go there.... Its going to be funny to watch that entire world change

Day 212; August 11th, 2011;That's it for today. No joke.

Today I worked at the church for a bit, still got to leave early.

So went home and got ready to go over to my other job.

That's it for today. No joke.

Day 211; August 10th, 2011: So pre-tay, like model?

So went to work today. Got out early so went to fix the chip in my windshield. While I was there I got a phone call from an odd number so I didn't answer. I couldn't understand the message either.
After that I went to Target to hit up the hair dye aisle for brown and red hair dye. I also called back the random number.
Ends up it was for a modeling gig I had signed up for a few months ago...
He wanted to meet up at about 4 so that gave me an hour to get ready. The meeting went great and I'm now his model.
I had my first shoot today too. It was hilarious.

Then I went through with my Fortune Cookie plan... it didn't end how I wanted, but it ended how I expected it to. So not a big surprise.

Day 210; August 9th, 2011: Fortune cookies and blondness

So I went blonde today, I'm not staying blonde but I have to get the other dyes before I get to do what I want to do. Which is blonde, red and brunette.
Also I made fortune cookies while Richard came over for movie night. I'm so nervous to go through with my plan... but I will. I must.

Day 209; August 8th, 2011: Brinner

Had work this morning. It was good. Saw a few of the kids, but didn't have to stay long. So came home and went back to sleep. When I woke up Mat was home, but we didn't really do anything. We played a little tag through the apartment and then there was breakfast for dinner. I love breakfast for dinner.

Day 208; August 7th, 2011: I don't remember a slightly emotionally traumatic day at work being what I asked for...

So today was my double shift at work. It was good till the end.
I was in charge of watching after the jump house... but I ended up more at the face painting booth. When I went back to the jump house to relieve the person there it was all good. Then my boss came over and a few of us started talking.
All of a sudden I hear the motor stop, and the bouncy house starts to deflate... with kids 5 and younger on it.
Yeah, that was scary and one of the kids got stuck in the netting. Of course it was my bosses kid.
I'm going to bed.
I don't remember a slightly emotionally traumatic day at work being what I asked for...

Day 207; August 6th, 2011: Errands?

So I had work today, and I have a double shift tomorrow. I'm going to die. Lol. I wont have a day off until Friday. its going to be great but I'm going to be so tired.
As for now, I'm tempted to go to Albertsons or Target looking just like this. Messy and soaked hair, runny make up, dirty shirt and dance shorts. But I need hair supplies so I don't look like a poodle in a fe seconds... Oh, maybe Dollar Tree just for the benefits of my friends in Vegas.

Later:
So I did actually get dressed before I ran and got hair stuff. I made a how to video on how to do my make up and put it on youtube as well. Yeah, that was my day.

Day 206; August 5th, 2011: but sadly... I know all too well.

 Sometimes I miss having the random singing/jam sessions with my dad. I used to just take songs to my dad and ask him to play them on the guitar.
Yeah, I used to get along with my dad. He used to come to every concert, show, performance I was in... yeah, he'd be late... but he'd always bring me a bouquet of a dozen red roses. I used to pack the day before to spend the weekend up at his house.

When I was really little, he'd sing me to sleep every night after reading a bible story to me. We'd play my own version of Blue's Clues for him to figure out what I wanted for lunch. We'd make our own poppers with paper bags to pop for New Years. He'd kiss my injuries and let me sleep in his bed during storms or if I had a nightmare. I used to be a total Daddy's girl... and I guess a little part of me still wants to be. But its hard when it feels like he keeps stabbing me in the heart. I do miss what him and I had, and I hate that I think so low of him but some of the things he's done are just unforgivable.
I've grown up with the dad role being filled in my life. If not by my dad then by some other great men who I have been blessed to have in my life. I have Tom, Herman, and Glen. I can thank each of them for being there for me when I needed them the most. I know none of them can really replace my father of fully fill in his spot. But when I needed them, they were there.
I miss knowing that I always had arms to run to when the world got to hard to deal with, I miss knowing that I could cry and not get judged or yelled at... I miss how my dad was when I was younger... but only because he was my best friend. He was my support and the person who knew everything about me. He was my rock, my partner in crime, my hero, my weakness, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend... but most of all, he was my dad.
I wish I could say that I don't know what happened between him and I to make it all change, but sadly... I know all too well.

Day 205; August 4th, 2011: Choices Choices Choices

So today I ran errands,
paid rent
emailed UNLV and LCC.
And heard back from both of them.
Now I have to decide which one I'd rather go to:
UNLV online or LCC.
Choices choices choices





Then I got movie and pizza night with Jesse.
:) :) :)

Day 204; August 3rd, 2011: Up... and back down.

 So today I got up at 6, got pretty and ran some errands.
Came back home, changed back into pajamas and called it a day.

 Even though I look pretty, doesn't mean I have to act like a lady.

I love when my puppy snuggles with me.