Day 354; December 31st, 2011: New Years eve ;)

10:15am:
It is New Years eve day. So excited for tonight. But before any crazyness happens.... I probably need to get out of bed.

3:10pm:
Everything is set for Hannah's and my crazy fun night... only thing missing is the Pixy Stix and well Hannah...

4:44pm:So I will be at the ballroom for New Years.... if you can't think of anything to do. Come over there! Starts at 8 I believe. And is 7 dollars. If you need to know how to get there look up Evergreen Ballroom. :) No matter if I see you or not: HAVE A FUN, AWESOME NIGHT (and be safe)!

Day 353; December 30th, 2011: Teach everything how to Dougie?

Question of the day: what is with the music videos from the 90s? I mean, "Tootsee Roll", and "Da Dip" to name a few. They're both crazy and so annoying... but I can't help but slightly dance while listening...
Second question of the day: where did this wind come from?!?

Today, Hannah and I went to go visit Steve. I watched Hannah and Steve play guitar and I sang a little bit. It was very relaxing. I couldn't help but think about a lot of things though.
And yeah, there were miniature horses on the property. We got to feed them carrots. Aren't they cute?
Literally everything (my Ipod, Pandora, Nook, and the TV) have all said "teach me how to Dougie". First off their bossy little things, second off... what the heck?!

"There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh, never come back
There you are giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh, when's it gonna end
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So, I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not 'till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So, I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
Out of this chair or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So, I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah, I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far"
- How Far by Martina Mcbride

(If you had just asked me to stay.... I would have. 

And I wish you would have just asked me to, 'cause I didn't want to go)

Day 352; December 29th, 2011: Dad's work and Charlie Brown

 Errands to do today. Bleh.. I don't wanna get out of bed. Okay.... once my dog stops being so snuggle like, I will get up.
Got my paycheck in the mail today! So glad they were able to send it to me here, rather than me have to wait to be back in Eugene to get it. ♥ my job!

 I have to go over to my dad's work to get him to help me pay for my oil change in my car for part of my Christmas gift. I used to always hang out with my dad at work. Everyone at USF knew me, now, at Conway... barely the front office lady knows me.

 Though it does make me realize that though my dad and I don't have the best relationship and I do doubt often if he supports me or not... it is always a good feeling to go to his desk and see a picture of me.

"I wonder when my sweet baboon will ask me to the party." -Lucy
"I AM NOT YOUR SWEET BABOON AND I WOULDN'T INVITE YOU TO A GARAGE SALE!" - Linus
Oh how I love Charlie Brown movies.

Day 351; December 28th, 2011: Proud big sis

So today I helped my lil sis with her senior paper. I have to say I am so unbelievably proud of here that I couldn't ever put it into words. Its so great to always hear about the different adventures she's letting her life take her on.
I miss her so much when I'm in Eugene. I always feel bad that I don't get the chance to talk to her as much as I would love to. But I think about her daily.
It makes me tear up at the fact that she graduates this year. I'll probably cry so hard.
B- I love you like no other, lil sis. You are amazing. You are gorgeous. You are strong. And best of all, you're you. You are the best lil sis I could ever ever ever ask for. Nothing will ever change that. I'm so proud of you.

Day 350; December 27th, 2011: stupid electronics

Got my Nook fixed... now my computer died. Electronics hate me.

Day 349; December 26th, 2011: Dream dream dreeeeeam.

Sometimes... I'm scared to go to sleep because sometimes I think I'm going to get stuck in my dreams... or worse, I'm afraid that I'll confuse my dreams with reality.
I had a dream the other night and I was in an amazing house. Simple but cute. You could tell I had decorated it. Anyway, I was in the garage teaching dance 'till the kids got picked up. Then I went inside and started to clean. I as dressed in a simple skirt and a tank with my hair down but tucked behind my ears. Once I finished cleaning I started to cook. I was singing and humming while cooking so I apparently didn't hear the door open. So, in the midst of my cooking someone came up behind me and wrapped their arms around my waist and kissed my neck. He then said "smells good" and kissed the back of my head.
To this comment I said "my neck or the food?". He laughed. (In reality, I would have known that voice anywhere, and the dream me knew who it was, but the real me watching the dream was curious). So (dream) I turned around to give this guy a kiss. After the kiss he asked how teaching was and I said wonderful. He then started dancing through out the kitchen with me. "The food is going to burn" I said after a bit. So lead me to the stove.

After dinner him and I went for a small walk around our place (which wasn't huge, but it was decent sized). Once we got back to the house I noticed a small difference... there was a chocolate bar on the counter that wasn't there before. I went over to it and saw that there was a little sticky note reading "go to the spare room". I walked through the house and into the spare room, on the mirror there was another sticky note and a rose. The sticky note read "master bedroom". So I went into the master bedroom. There, was the other 11 roses and yet another sticky note that read "go to the dance studio". By this time I was a little annoyed since I had started out close to the studio, but thanks to these pesky sticky notes I had walked the entire length of the decent sized house.
I got to my studio and all the lights were off... I tried to turn them on, and they wouldn't. I yelled "Hey, love! Can you fix the breaker so I can see into my studio?!", with that I heard a click in my studio and I started to slightly scream. The garage door slowly started to open (something like out of a horror flick where you expect the killer to either be on the other side of the door, or already in the room). The moon light shown in and there right in the middle of the floor was a small box. I opened it and there was a simple heart shaped ring with a small sapphire and a final post it note saying "please?". I smiled and closed the garage door as I walked back into the house.
I went into the bedroom to find him sitting calmly on the bed. I went into my closet, slipped into my pajamas, slipped the ring on my finger... and then snuggled up to him while we watching Spanish infomercials.
When I woke up, I knew that none of that did or ever would happen... but the sad part is... I could still feel his arms around me... like they were when we would cuddle or fall asleep.

Day 348; December 25th, 2011: Merry Christmas.

As much as I love all the gifts I have received.... I still have to say my favorite is the fact I get to spend this time with my family and all my friends. I am for sure blessed.
Happy holidays, everyone. Hope you have all had a great morning and that the amazingness continues. ♥

As for gifts:
I got a Nook for Christmas with an amazing cover. I love it and am super thankful.

Day 347; December 24th, 2011: Christmas Eve/ Christmas #1

 Watching cheesy Christmas movies. Going to make Chocolate Chip cookies and brownies today. ♥
Tis the season!
Merry Christmas eve, everyone.
Remember: go to bed early, so Santa will come. ;)
It's still my goal to catch him this year.

 Hannah came over and we opened gifts from Mike.
Hannah got an ornament from my mom and I got this huge Hershey's bar from Mike. I was excited... does it show?

I'm in love.

Day 346; December 23rd, 2011: Celebrate

Baking a little with my mom. Got Christmas shopping done today and got all the groceries needed. I'm loving this Christmas already. ♥
It wasn't a big thing in this house last year since I had just moved back to Oregon and was planning on moving up north right after... so I'm so happy that we have such a big celebration this year!

Day 345; December 22nd, 2011: P.O.A

Plan of Action:
PT
Bank
Apartment
Make bed
Pack car
Drive home
Ready, and break!

In the Valley:
Hannah came over and we went shopping 'cause I needed to get my Christmas shopping done and then my mom took us to pizza and a basketball game.

Day 344; December 21st, 2011: Job interview and packed

 Time for the interview... I'm beyond nervous. WISH ME LUCK!!!! This is literally my DREAM job. I would give anything for this.... except my feet 'cause I need those for this job so that wouldn't make sense.
AHHHH!!! SAY SOMETHING ENCOURAGING!!! QUICK!!!!!
Later:
Got the second interview!!! Scheduled for the 9th! And all I have to do is choreograph and teach a simple 16 count of jazz, ballet and hiphop. I think I possibly got this?I almost forgot I have to be at work early today. Lol. Luckily the realization came upon me about an hour ago so I'm ready. Then I'll come home, power through my laundry, pack and put clothes away. I'll be home tomorrow after my final PT appointment. Which leads me to some other great news: my shoulder is finally healed! Its for sure the holiday season: I just found my slipper I've been looking for since May!

Four bags, two hangers and a coat later... guess who's coming home tomorrow?! And guess how long she's staying based upon the mountain of stuff...

Day 343; December 20th, 2011: Sooooooooophie

 Done with the movie, now working on cleaning my room. Then head over to Sophie's 'cause its her birthday!

Later:
Soph's party as good. I stayed a little later to talk to her and we went and saw two houses that obviously compete to see who can decorate more for Christmas without blowing the circuit. It was bright and awesome.

Day 342; December 19th, 2010: Car(ly) starter?

 Had physical therapy today. So glad this is my last week of all of it. I'm sad 'cause the massages feel SO good, but glad 'cause it means I'm healed. Anyway, today they hooked me up to this thing that looks like something you could hook up to a remote control car to start the battery. Not going to lie, its a little intimidating.

Called more places... left so many messages I started forgetting how to say my phone number. I think its time to take a break.

Day 341; December 18th, 2011: Bleh

Had work and then a meeting. Bleh. Glad to be back in my room though. I still need to go on a cleaning spree... so hopefully tomorrow, Tuesday or Wednesday I'll have the energy.

A few days ago, I finally heard what I had always wanted to hear... you know the cruddy thing: it can't count this time.
I've always wanted a guy to say "don't go" or "please stay" or "I'll go with you" each time I move. Coming from certain people, I'd probably do what they asked.
I heard this the other day, someone finally asked me to not leave, and if it was in my control... I wouldn't.


Also, I don't think I can have a trip to Shari's without something hilarious happening. Hey Sophie, "don't feed the pigs".

Day 340; December 17th, 2011: 1 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon.

1:12am:
So I know I should be sleeping right now after staying up late last night, actually waking up this morning annnnnnnnnd the fact that I have work at 11... but I have to say, I'm enjoying being up right now. It makes me feel like I'm actually my age versus how I've felt lately with how many responsibilities I put on myself. Its nice to just feel 20 for a few days. I know its going to bite me in the but all weekend 'cause of work... but I think this feeling right now is worth that.
3:30pm:
Off work and back in bed with my puppy dog. I don't think I'll be moving the rest of today... hope that's alright by everyone.

Day 339; December 16th, 2011: More Netflix (addiction?)

After an amazing night last night, and breakfast (with amazing people) this morning... I have to say... it feels good to finally just be in bed and know I don't have to move anytime soon. In fact, I'm turning on Netflix and not moving till I can't sleep tonight. That is when I shall clean my room.

Day 338; December 15th, 2011: Christmas party

My dog is totally mine. He just clicked my mouse and opened up a page about Kenny Chesney. ♥
(For those wondering why I'm still awake, I just got home from an amazing Christmas party with my amazing friends. And my secret Santa kick started my Christmas with the most perfect gift - now country CD, penguin ornament and a movie gift card- and I got to see Santa! Then we watched White Christmas ♥... then those of us who were left died laughing. Its been a good night, thank you to all those who helped make it so.)
The Christmas party was amazing. Tony spoke up about some amazing things, and seeing Santa was amazing. Dinner was great and desert (including the pie I made {I made a new one} yesterday) was delicious. Watching White Christmas with a group of friends was incredible and those of us that died laughing 'cause of being so goodness gracious tired got one of the best ab work outs ever. <3
'Tis the season, right?

Day 337; December 14th, 2011: Funny but tragic!

The funniest and most tragic thing to ever happen to me just happened. I was making the Cinnamon/Vanilla apple pie thing that I love to make, I took it out of the oven and set it on the cutting board... totally forgetting that the cutting board was wet... I watched as the hot pan of apple goodness slid from the cutting board to the floor. I can't decide if I want to laugh hysterically or cry right now.
Either way, brownies are in the oven right now, and I guess I'm going grocery shopping after work for more apples and pie crust.

Day 336; December 13th, 2011: Holiday plans, brinner and brownie battered nose.

There are times where I don't understand how Sophie's reactions to what I say can be so casual. Makes me laugh even harder.

For example:
Me: "Yup. I'm going to be eating so much on Thursday imma splode!"
Sophie: "yay haha"Things I wanna do this holiday season:
Go see the Christmas lights
Listen to Christmas music till I can sing it in my sleep
Watch all the good cartoon movies (such as frosty and A Year Without a Santa)
Make Christmas cookies (including the Special K cookies, please mom?)
Finally catch Santa putting things in my stockings (THIS IS A BIG ONE!!! :D)
Have a Christmas feast
Have a left over Christmas feast
Hang out with Hannah for New Years like we used to (which includes eating pizza and drinking sparkling cider).
Hopefully all this can get checked off.

I successfully made the brinner I was planning on making last night but didn't. First time making bacon and I only set the alarm off once. I feel cool.

Day 335; December 12th, 2011: nonchalant day

10:27 am:
PT in an hour, running a few errands, then coming back to my bed and staying there the rest of the day.
{Also, my dream last night was literally me yelling "back, forward, left, right. On beat now. one, two three four, two, two three four." Yeah,, it was interesting.}
6:29 pm:
Scrambled eggs, bacon, cheese and toast for dinner? Hmm, I think yes... once I get the energy to get up and out of bed.
8:20 pm:
Horrible Netflix movies, painting my nails, wild cherry pepsi, cookie dough and wearing my ballet shoes to stretch them out again. ♥

Day 334; December 11th, 2011: Neetttttfliiiixxxx

Home from work, and have decided to do nothing for the rest of the day. I'm supposed to go see Pan again with Rachel... so I'll just do nothing till then.
Chicken pot pie, cookie dough, almond rocha, netflix and wild cherry pepsi. Few things are missing, but its all good. Possibly pulling an all nighter since all I have tomorrow is PT. I can sleep tomorrow. All nighter it is... or at least a try.
This could just be a sugar rush talking or the fact that I am so tired... but I like the looks of almond rocha wrappers and just had the idea of almond rocha wrapper wallpaper.

Ended up going to Pan by myself. Rachel got sick and all my other friends were busy. But oh well. It was good.

"Marienne Hotchkiss: Dance is a very powerful drug Mr. Keane. If embraced judiciously, it can exorcise demons, access deep seated emotions and color your life in joyous shades of brilliant magenta that you never knew existed. But, one must shoulder its challenges with intrepid countenance if one is ever to reap its rewards."

I have never seen shades of brilliant magenta when I dance... maybe I'm doing it wrong?

Day 333; December 10th, 2011: Work, Neverland, Guitar

Work in an hour and then going to visit Neverland with Sophie (and hopefully Kory). Guess its time to put all my worries in the back of my mind, and just enjoy the day. Have a great day everyone. ♥

Later:
Had amazing day at work. Now to go flip my hair and wait for Sophie before we take a trip to the second star to the right and straight on till morning.
Work tomorrow also. Ugh, my work makes me second guess things that I thought I had finally figured out. I still have to decide whether I stay in Eugene or move back home to the Valley. Ugh, can't I just move to Neverland and become one of the Lost Boys?



In my head, for the rest of the night, I'm just going to be hearing "down up up down up up down up up" and "G, Dm, Cm7. Chorus: G, Dm + and extra little uph. Bridge: Am, G, D". Thanks guitar.

Day 332; December 9th, 2011: Guess its my weekend to escape to other worlds. Narnia tonight with Rachel and Neverland (Peter Pan) tomorrow with Sophie. I love when my friends have good timing with distractions.

I have nothing better to do with my life so I taught my dog to shake on the line "I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice" in the song Baby, It's Cold Outside. Maybe learning a new song on guitar will help distract me and keep me from thinking about everything I've been stressed about.
Day 332; December 9th, 2011: Guess its my weekend to escape to other worlds. Narnia tonight with Rachel and Neverland (Peter Pan) tomorrow with Sophie. I love when my friends have good timing with distractions.

Narnia with Rachel, Shari's with Sophie... I can't believe I actually did all that. Sophie, thank you for making sure I did.
While at Shari's, Sophie and I had a really cute server named James. And well, I wrote my number on a napkin and told him that he should totally hit me up sometime. I left it on the table. I hope he got it!


Oh, and Rachel, thanks for Narnia!
Now I wait....

Day 331; December 8th, 2011: Pheobe in Wonderland

I took yesterday off from the world, did the same today and just watched movies on Netflix all day.

 I must say... Oh dear, oh my. The movie Pheobe in Wonderland is making my head hurt. Its a good movie, but I'm so confused!!!!!

Day 330; December 7th, 2011: Check list

Talked to a few different schools today: Check
Work: Check
Layered hair: Check
Ate dinner per request: Check
Dog driving me insane: Check
Possible no-move-from-bed-day for me tomorrow: Check

Day 329; December 6th, 2011: Every corner I turn

 Duct tape... the world's safety net. When something breaks you can bet someone is going to ask "okay, where's the duct tape?", without this simple but strong tape... the world would be in shambles.
but why wont duct tape hold me together? I know the Lord is my "duct tape" and I trust in that with all my heart but sometimes I just want a physical support. I want to be cuddled and kissed. I want to feel safe.

Safe... ha, what's that? There is no such word in my life anymore. Every corner I turn... I end up getting hurt again.
I'm just done.

Day 328; December 5th, 2011: I think its even starting to effect my dog

 You know... sometimes I just wish I could express exactly how I feel to people. I try, really I do, its just that no one ever understands. They act like they understand but I see the blankness in their eyes. Its always either blankness or questions. If they understood there would be something there and they wouldn't have questions. Period. End of report. If they understood, they'd actually care and know that I just need them right now rather than asking what they can do for me. The compassion isn't there. Sometimes there might be sympathy, but there is never empathy.

I work my butt of for everything I do, and you know, I don't go around pointing everything that I do out because I'm not looking for the attention or for people to be grateful for what I did voluntarily but it really bothers me when someone says I do nothing. Just because I don't go begging for someone to say thanks or even notice every small, little thing I do doesn't mean I don't do them. At the same time I hate to argue, so when someone says that I need to do stuff, I always just stay quiet or slightly agree. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I can't think of the last morning where I actually wanted to get out of bed. I know I'm in the signs of depression and I know I should talk to someone, I just don't know who. I know who I want to talk to, its just that none of those people seem to be there anymore. I wish I knew where to turn 'cause I have no clue. I never want to get out of bed, I never want to be alone, and I feel like I'm always on the verge of crying. Smoldering hot showers or baths have become my best friend because they at least let me feel something. I could honestly let the steaming water hit my skin for hours and barely feel the warmth. I know none of this is healthy, I can't think of what else to do. I think its even starting to effect my dog because he always wants to be around me lately. He doesn't want me to ever be out of reach and when I am he whines.

I stare into space all the time too, the world passes me by and I don't even notice. People ask me questions and I have to ask them to repeat all the time. I'm no longer here. The only time I feel I am on Earth is when I'm in my physical therapy appointments. I wonder if I leave this world because I can't handle anymore of it- stress, disappointment, regret, hurt- or if its because my mind and emotions shut down completely. I am always tired, and I never feel pretty. I kill for compliments and I die for hugs. I would give anything for a guy, for a guy to lay with me, snuggle with me, and actually care!

Day 327; December 4th, 2011: Sometimes Sophie and I make cookies.

I think from work, I'll go deposit my check and then stop and get a free DB hot chocolate. I haven't had one this season and I feel today is the day for one.

 Sophie came over as well, we baked sugar cookies. They turned out funny looking but they taste AMAZING!!!

Day 326; December 3rd, 2011: My day.. time by time

 9:58am:
I already know that I will love work today. I get to help put holiday decorations everywhere. Can't go wrong with that! ♥ Plus I don't have work till 11 vs. the normal 9 for Saturday.

3:38PM:
Guess who had a fabulous day at work but is still ready to lay down with my dog and watch some TV and possible fall asleep???

5:30PM:
As much as I love shows I can relate to... I hate them when they have what I wish my life was like in them. Bleh.

7:59PM:
Some one should totally:
A) Make me a shake
B) Go on a crazy road trip with me to In N' Out
C) Bring me a Hot Chocolate from DB.
D) Get some sort of either brownie mix or cake mix so I can eat the batter.
E) not ask what's up.
F) All the above
G) one of the above + E

I was working on finishing a drawing for my friend's tattoo... but it came out a little too elaborate.