Day 328; December 5th, 2011: I think its even starting to effect my dog

 You know... sometimes I just wish I could express exactly how I feel to people. I try, really I do, its just that no one ever understands. They act like they understand but I see the blankness in their eyes. Its always either blankness or questions. If they understood there would be something there and they wouldn't have questions. Period. End of report. If they understood, they'd actually care and know that I just need them right now rather than asking what they can do for me. The compassion isn't there. Sometimes there might be sympathy, but there is never empathy.

I work my butt of for everything I do, and you know, I don't go around pointing everything that I do out because I'm not looking for the attention or for people to be grateful for what I did voluntarily but it really bothers me when someone says I do nothing. Just because I don't go begging for someone to say thanks or even notice every small, little thing I do doesn't mean I don't do them. At the same time I hate to argue, so when someone says that I need to do stuff, I always just stay quiet or slightly agree. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I can't think of the last morning where I actually wanted to get out of bed. I know I'm in the signs of depression and I know I should talk to someone, I just don't know who. I know who I want to talk to, its just that none of those people seem to be there anymore. I wish I knew where to turn 'cause I have no clue. I never want to get out of bed, I never want to be alone, and I feel like I'm always on the verge of crying. Smoldering hot showers or baths have become my best friend because they at least let me feel something. I could honestly let the steaming water hit my skin for hours and barely feel the warmth. I know none of this is healthy, I can't think of what else to do. I think its even starting to effect my dog because he always wants to be around me lately. He doesn't want me to ever be out of reach and when I am he whines.

I stare into space all the time too, the world passes me by and I don't even notice. People ask me questions and I have to ask them to repeat all the time. I'm no longer here. The only time I feel I am on Earth is when I'm in my physical therapy appointments. I wonder if I leave this world because I can't handle anymore of it- stress, disappointment, regret, hurt- or if its because my mind and emotions shut down completely. I am always tired, and I never feel pretty. I kill for compliments and I die for hugs. I would give anything for a guy, for a guy to lay with me, snuggle with me, and actually care!