Day 80; March 31st, 2011: If only this person actually read my writing...

I almost resent that you can read other people like open books, but you can't read me as well as you claim to. I don't like that I rarely feel safe around you and that I'm almost afraid of you. I don't like that we don't talk like we used to. I don't like the fact that I'm on my bed right now, needing a hug and someone to talk to... and you're not here, and you're oblivious to the tears that are staining my face.
I just wish... that you read and paid attention. Not just the stuff that I write, but me in general. You used to, but now you just don't seem to care enough.




On a happier note: I had an interview today, it seemed to go really well. I really hope to get this job... I'd be really happy. It's working with the kids at a church.

Day 79; March 30th, 2011: blah

It is possibly sad that I bought this straightener just because it reminded me of Brad Paisley. But still, its cute and it works really well... its just a plus that it reminds me of a country singer.

I'm so tired today, I stayed up last night talking to a friend and trying to figure stuff out. I finally figured out that I'm just going to move back home as soon as I'm sure certain people will be fine. If that means I move in July, then that's when I'll move. All I know is I'm not staying any longer than September at the latest. Come September: I'm out of here. I have no idea where I'll go, other than back home to re-gain myself and re-coup. Which at this point, doesn't sound that bad.

Just go home and get MY life back in order....


sounds like a dream come true.

Day 78; March 29th, 2011: I worked hard.

For fifteen years and countless seasons. I worked my butt off. Classes Monday, Wednesday and Thursday for years. More money than even a calculator can add up. All for a passion, a dream, and the feeling that there's something in the world that I can do that not everyone can. I know that sounds horrible: like there had to be one thing that I could do that I knew I could do better than some other people, but its not that at all. Its just a feeling of success but still know there's competition. I know there's so many people better than me, this competition just causes me to work so much harder because I know there's only one way for me to keep up with them... to get better at what I love. So I

practice, and I work hard. I work my butt off. I go through ice packs and heat pads like they were going out of season. I have sprained my ankles and wrist countless times, I've pulled and torn almost every muscle in my body. I've had to become the perfect picture for countless shows and performances. I've had to learn how to loosen up and how to suck everything in. What do I have to show for this? Flexibility, strength and talent. I can make my back flat like a table, I can stand on the balls of my feet and barely shake. Its a passion, its my life... its where I get my strength and let out all my frustrations. No matter what I will always be a DANCER, and DANCE will always be my passion.

I don't usually like blonde jokes but I like this one... though its morbid:

A brunette is jumping over the railroad tracks and is chanting 22 over & over again. A Blonde comes by thinks its fun and copies her. A train comes so the brunette jumps away at the last second. The blonde doesn't. The brunette starts again and chants 23

Day 77; March 28th, 2011: PROductive

So today I knew I was going to clean my room because it was driving me crazy. Once I actually got up though... I decided to give my dog a bath. That's when it all started. After that I decided I was going to clean the kitchen, and do the dishes. I did all that and then cleaned most of my room - all that's left is my desk, which I shall tackle tomorrow.

So I got ready this morning, and planned on dropping off my application to Red Robin (YUMMM) then running and getting groceries. On my way to Red Robin I realized that its Monday and they only accept applications Tuesdays through Thursdays. I pulled into the parking lot 'cause I was getting a phone call. I answered it and it was the pastor at the church I applied to. He wanted to talk to me about the job at the church. I applied as a child care worker. He told me about the job, and it sounds great. So I have an interview at the church on Thursday, and I'm greatly excited. I loved working with the kids back home, and miss it dearly. Now I'll get to do what I love and get paid for it. What could be better. After that I came home, put the groceries away and cleaned a little bit. I did some of my "Bible study" which I haven't done since October (for fairly obvious reasons if you really know me), and I got into it again. (No, I didn't pick it back up just so I have better chances with the church, I legitimately like reading the Bible and looking for understanding). Once I got more energy, I made dark chocolate covered strawberries. That task was honestly harder than it should have been - so needless to say, I had to clean the kitchen again. Luckily I like cleaning.

Tomorrow I shall go turn in my application to Red Robin (YUMM) and clean my desk AND do laundry. I'm also thinking spaghetti tomorrow, with garlic bread. Who really knows? Either way, its been a good day.

Day 76; March 27th, 2011: Back in Eugene

So we're back in Eugene. Mat bowled pretty well today, he won the first tournament and won an invitation to the tournament in Vegas.
He wants me to go with him. So of course I'm thinking about going. I'd get to see my friends! Just got to save up the money. Now we're back in Eugene, and it feels pretty good, we're not fighting and we're actually on pretty good terms. FINALLY! I'll be going back home in about 18 days before I head to Vegas with my mom for my sister's wedding. I took a shower and am now just chilling and updating stuffs. Phew.

Day 75; March 26th, 2011: Bowling...

So Mat and I are in Kiezer for bowling stuff. He bowled today and he bowls tomorrow as well. Today he did fairly well, not his best but far from his worst. After he was done bowling we went and got a motel room then went exploring. Mat found this 50's diner that had a pink cadillac as a sign. We ate fries and chocolate shake! YUM!!! After that we went just running around, came across a glow in the dark, 3D pirate themed mini golf course. Needless to say we were excited. After that we went back to the motel, watched a few movies and talked. Then we went to sleep. Then my puppy started puking. Bleh, not fun to deal with. Have to get up early tomorrow, time to go to bed.

Day 74; March 25th, 2011: Emotional break down.

          So today I hung out with my "lil sis", Bridgett. I missed her so freaking much. We just hung out, talked and then walked around the mall. It was great and I needed the time with her.
          Sadly, the whole day wasn't that great. While hanging out with Zack yesterday, Mat "vented" in a way. And a bit of it was about me. I text Mat today to see how much of it was a joke and how much of it was really how he felt. When he said a lot of it was true, it hurt.
            So a few hours ago I had a full on anxiety attack... yeah, not fun.

Day 73; March 24th, 2011: Lithia park with the guys.

Zack, Mat and I.
That kinda sums it up. Its no secret that this three is as close as PB&J. We've heard so many "groups" we could go by (I.E. Harry Potter trio, three musketeers) but I think our favorite is "Nightmare Before Christmas Henchmen".
Zack, and Matty... I love both of you tons!
Today we went to Lithia park in Ashland.
The guys played ultimate frisbee and I took some pictures.
We walked around and just hung out.
It was nice to be the "henchmen" again.
We didn't cause trouble, it was just nice.
After we got tired of being there we went to Sucker Punch midnight premier with a bunch of friends, including Gabe, Jackie, Josh and Jeremy.
Such a good movie,
GO SEE IT!

Day 72; March 23rd, 2011: Girl talk...

So Jackie came over tonight and we had "girl talk" time, it was great. I feel so much better. I love that girl, and honestly don't know what I would do without her. We talked about things going on now, and things that have happened since graduation. Then she told me that the guy I've liked since beginning of senior year liked me. She text him and found out he still likes me... but has a girl friend and feels like he's not good enough for me... and he doesn't want to hold me back from what I want to do in my life. It sucks that having a plan for my life... seems to have ruined some other chances I would have loved to have. Bitter-sweet, I guess.

"Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before
And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
Whoa, whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt
Than feel nothing at all
It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call
But I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Oh baby, I need you now" 

-Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

Day 71; March 22nd, 2011: So good to be home.

I missed this girl soooooooooooo freaking much.

You're never too old to play on a playset. You're never too old to remember how things used to be and how things have changed. But always remember, its the people that stay in your life for so long that really deserve your time. Its so good to know that somethings will never change, and no matter how much time and space is between her and I: we will always be best friends. I love you miss Hannah. You've always been like a sister to me.

BFF SINCE 2ND GRADE!!!
Llylas Han!

Day 70; March 21st, 2011: This is why I love my dog.

I know a lot of people don't like my dog, but when I need him he's there for me. He's my baby, my puppy-dog, my pubby. It scares me that he's getting so old... 'cause I don't know how much longer I have with him. I've had dreams ever since I got him about him dying, and I would fight tears all day after those dreams. Now that I know he's getting older, it feels like I fight tears every time he shows his age. He's supposed to live for two more years, but if he starts having seizures or anything, I'm not sure I could handle seeing him go through that.

I love my puppy way too much.


I miss my UNLV friends today, but as a plus, I got a letter from Miss Casey. It made me smile and I wrote her back right away... even mailed the letter today as well. I can't wait till I see everyone again. Just 29 more days.

Day 69; March 20th, 2011: Choices.

       So took off my nail polish and repainted my nails. The napkin looked pretty. I chose today that I'm going home with some friends tomorrow. It'll be nice to just be in a place of comfort. I'll be there for all of spring break, so I can go to the ballroom on Friday and see Steve.

          Hopefully I'll see Bridgett, Jackie, Gabe, Auni, Zack and Devin as well... but who really knows. I just can't wait to go home and finally not have to worry about everything that's going on in this apartment.

Also new intern post: go, read, vote: 

Would we survive if the lights went out?

 According to this, this is a face of a girl who acts 22 years old

[1] You know how to make a pot of coffee
[2] You keep track of dates using a calendar
[  ] You own a credit card
[3] You know how to change the oil in a car
[4] You've done your own laundry
 [5] You can vote in an election
[6] You can cook for yourself ((All the time))
[ ] You think politics are interesting
[  ] You show up for school late a lot
[7] You always carry a pen/pencil in your bag/purse/pocket
[8] You've never gotten a detention
[ ] You have forgotten your own birthday
[9] You like to take walks by yourself
[10] You know what credibility means, without looking it up
[11] You drink caffeine at least once a week
[12] You know how to do the dishes
[13] You can count to 10 in another language
[14] When you say you're going to do something you do it
[ I'm allergic, this shouldn't count!] You can mow the lawn 
[ ] You study even when you don't have to 
[15] You have hand washed a car before
[16] You can spell experience, without looking it up
[17 at some of them.] The people at Starbucks know you by name 
[  ] Your favorite kind of food is take out
[ ] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need  
[ ] You understand political jokes the first time they are said
[18] You can type pretty quickly
[  ] Your only friends are from your place of employment
[] You have been to a Tupperware party
[  ] You have realized that practically no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[  ] You have more bills than you can pay
[19] You have been to the beach
[20] You use the internet every day
[  ] You have traveled overseas for more than 5 times
[ ] You make your bed in the morning
[ 21] You realized people of the opposite sex might just make better friends.
[22] You realize that these lists on Facebook will never get you anywhere in life.


Add up the Total and that is how old you act.

Day 68; March 19th, 2011: Noooooooo likey.

I'm home alone all day today...

and I have a lot to think about... 

no likey.

Day 67; March 18th, 2011: clean clean clean.

Now today Mat and Zach are having a crazy workout session. I'm only doing crunches with Zach because it makes me feel good when I can do more than a guy. For the rest of the workout, I'm sitting here on my computer and watching them die. I can do crunches, but when it comes to everything else, I'm done. Which is horrible. I might look up things or start watching my dance workout DVDs. I have four of them, I should use them. I need to get back into shape.
Goal for the day:
Complete one work out on one of the DVDs while Mat is at work

So I didn't do a work out, because while I did the dishes I was tap dancing... then I went to go change into my Ballet shoes, I sat in the chair and fell asleep. Next thing I knew it was 8:17. I had slept for about an hour and a half. Oops. Now I just can't sleep which kinda sucks. I really wish I could go home with everyone else, just to be home. But my mom is talking about coming up here. I just need a girl to talk to.

Day 66; March 17th, 2011: Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Happy St. Patrick's day.

Today I have a green shirt ont, green shamrock boxers and green "Luck 'o the Irish" socks.

Mat and I went to trivia night at Applebee's and jeez there were a lot of people. Me and one of the girls did the Time Warp and then Mat, Zach and I did the Beat It dance. That's right we did those INSIDE Applebee's. It was awesome. Our team got second for trivia night. After that a group of us went and saw Paul on opening night. It was funny.

I've quite possibly started liking one of the guys from the Trivia night group though. His name is Tony. He just makes me smile and laugh. Though I'm not even sure he knows my name....

Day 65; March 16th, 2011: Yay for showers!

So last night I got a total of 45 minutes of sleep. I woke up from a horrible night mare and couldn't go back to sleep. I helped a few seniors of 2011 from my school with their senior papers which are due today and I got some work done. Then this morning I didn't want to move but I knew I had to take my dog outside. So did that, hopped in the shower and finished an intern post. Now, I'm going to work a little bit, work some more on my book, and listen to some good music. Here's the link to the new post: go, read, vote. It helps me out a lot!!

Does the DJ have you falling in love, or do you miss your boo?

Day 64; March 15th, 2011: Blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

So today I decided I wanted to wear a skirt, I couldn't tell you why. Just haven't worn one in a bit. My mood is so blah today though. I hung out with Mat and Chris. We went to Sharri's and our waiter was AWESOME. Then we went bowling for three games. Now I'm back in the apartment, after running and going and getting ice cream with Mat. I don't know what to do about this living situation. Mat and Josh just can't seem to be in the same room as each other and I don't know what to do. I wish there was a way I could help, but there's not. Ugh.

I need a girl to talk to... I hang out with guys so much, that I don't get any girl time anymore. I need it....

Day 63; March 14th, 2011: Share the smiles; laugh out loud. Its too late, can't fix it now.

This is me before.

 

This is me after! 

Yay for being blonde again!Oh and I added a peek-a-boo streak.

That is what I've done today. I dyed my hair, started laundry and ran and got some errands done. Also calmed a fear and painted my nails. Phew. Ooooooooooooh and had a meeting with my internship.

If the sun wants to shine down while you cry, its your tears that are meant to dry. Tears fall to the ground and stains are left on your face but life is not meant to waste. Get up and go. It'll be harder if you keep moving slow. The slower the pace, the harder the race. Life is life, you just have to live it. Keep op the act, stay on the right track. You aren't meant to keep looking back. Life's ahead so that's where you look, can't close the iron covers of this book. You'll wish you could, with all your might but that is one thing that wont happen tonight. Share the smiles; laugh out loud. Its too late, can't fix it now.

Day 62; March 13th, 2011: Just another ordinary day.

Today was nothing special really. I still love my hair cut though. I can't wait to re-do my blonde. I finished cleaning my room, and will be doing my laundry tomorrow... and bleaching my hair tomorrow. All the stuff I do while the guys are done, I swear. Its crazy weather outside... all the wind and rain. I almost blew away when I went to go mail a letter to my mom.

Movies and Dough Co. with Matty tonight. :)

Day 61; March 12th, 2011: PROductive

So this is only parts of my hair down, and this morning my hair was so much longer. When I saw this length though, I couldn't decide if I wanted to re-layer my hair or cut it... So after I sat for a few (after getting up at 6), filled out 15 job applications, painted my nails and toe nails and worked on my story a bit... I did it... I cut my hair and re-layered it.

I do want to try to grow my hair out, but with all the stress that's been going on I needed to do something. So.. hair grows back. I'll probably end up re-bleaching it on Monday as well 'cause I still want my blonde. I'm also trying to figure out where I want to add a peek-a-boo streak.
Ugh, I want snuggles so bad right now. I don't know why I always let myself be the "rebound". Grr....

Day 60; March 11th, 2011: Breakfast of champions.

Ice cream and Half & Half tea for breakfast.
Breakfast of champions.
I might add waffles to the mix later. 

Either way this is my day. I'll relayer my hair today as well. 

Mat will be in a bad mood so I get to play best friend and comfort him.

Tis all part of the job.

Day 59; March 10th, 2011: Have to take the ups with the downs...

So days come and days go. I feel like a horrible daughter because of the fact of the fight between my dad and I, but I don't regret finally standing up for myself, and I don't regret the letter. I'm scared for him to get it, but I'm not regretting it. I've discovered that I'm done being the middle man, I'm done letting others stand up for me, and I'm prepared to be my own person. Today was a whole lot of up, and a huge crash of down, and hopefully we're on a slight climb back up. I least I can hope, and if not I'm sure something will finally just be ... done.

Day 58; March 9th, 2011: Dear dad-

Dad-

You say you want to be treated with the respect you deserve... well so do I. I'm 19 and no longer in need of a person telling what to do. I deserve respect as well. I know you want to keep your "little girl" but I haven't been there in a long time.

Mom and I didn't exclude you, dad. We did it all for you so you wouldn't have to worry. Time isn't all that mom and I have put into all of this, its been a lot on ALL of us.

Am I appreciative of all you've done: of course an no one can replace you or top you in my heart but I would be lying if I said I've forgive you for the things we've been through.

Nothing is fair dad, and I know that but I also know that I don''t have to sit there like a lost puppy when I feel like I'm being emotionally attacked. I know you won't like any of this but I've grown up dad, and its not my fault nor is it going to stop. I have a voice and I have my opinions. I deserve to express them. Just like when I say I can't handle anymore (because of my disorder), I deserve to have a break.

None of this has to do with Mom, her opinions are hers and mine are mine. Do I wish we could go back to the days where you were my best friend and I idolized you: of course but way to much has happened since then.

Don't for one second think that I'm not appreciative or grateful because I am. I wouldn't be where I am today without you and mom. But I'm done sitting and listening to things be said that hurt me nor am I going to argue a pointless fight. 

I do stand tall dad, I have for years. I've stood on my own two feet for a bit too. For example: I was totally by myself in Vegas. Sissy didn't help me, hell, she NEVER even called me. But I survived.

I don't ant to fight, dad, but I'm done of everyone, including you, talking down to me.

Always, 

Carly

P.S. I do wish I was 4 and we could re-do everything that has gone on between us... but sadly we can't. I'm 19 and we've both missed out on a lot... but you still need to let me grow up, dad. I'm sorry.






On a happier note: Josh and I had a visitor tonight;

Day 57; March 8th, 2011: What a boring day...

So today I got up, got dressed, did hair and make up. Then did nothing. Went to Safeway with Josh, other than that I've been in the apartment working on my internship. 

So here's another lovely link: enjoy.

Brett Favre quarter back retirement

and don't forget to vote!

Only thing that did happen today is me getting insulted by Mat. Whoo... apparently he is smarter than me... hahahahaha... funny.

Day 56; March 7th, 2011: Readers, I am calling on you...

So today I worked on my internship and learned how to make backlinks. Whoo... So now I can personally give you links to the blogs I write for my internship. And I have a huge favor to ask... when you see these links in my blog, PLEASE click on them and vote. It gets me extra points at my internship and gets me some cash. How handy. So please, help me out? I would love it.

Also today I went grocery shopping and got some girl scout cookies, I'm happy.

Here's the link to my last blog: please go and vote.
Justin Beiber and Selena Gomes

Day 55; March 6th, 2011: I love my roommates.

So today started off horribly. I answered a few ChaCha questions and then got a call from my dad. I don't know why I thought this was going to be an alright phone call, but I answered it with an optimistic heart. I should have known better. It was my dad calling to inform me that UNLV sent a letter saying we owe them close to 9 thousand dollars and if we don't pay it they are going to check all my credit. This isn't good news at all. Its not that I have bad credit, its just... not good. So him and I got into an argument because he's wanting me to fix it and there's nothing I can do because it's all under his name. Apparently he also called my mom and they got into a fight. Ugh, with this start of the day I was thinking it could only go don hill from there. I told Josh everything that was going on, and he just stayed supportive and when Matty got home he said that we're all going to go see a movie, his treat. While I was getting ready, Mat came in to talk to me... this was the first time I've actually felt like he's my best friend in a loooooooooooong time. Once we were all ready, which took a little bit, we went and saw I Am Number Four... after that, we went to go pick up pizza and rent some more movies. We are currently watching them, Mat in the chair, and me and Josh on the couch.

In other news: I have a job interview tomorrow that I'm really not that interested in but I know I should go. Its another care giving position and it would only be for a few days. The money would be nice, but I need something long term... not just a week. I'd also have to go through a day of training, and spend money to get all that in line. I should do this as it is, but with everything going on... I just don't feel like I can do all this and strain my body even more. So, maybe I can catch Mat before he goes to bed so him and I can talk... or maybe even Josh. Either way... I love my roommates and though I thought today was going to be one of the many hard days to come... thanks to my guys, it was a pretty alright day. I got hugs, and got to talk... now if only I could get some cuddles, then I'd be good to go.

Day 54; March 5th, 2011: I guess I'll watch them wilt...

As hard as I try...

I can't help but just...

fight the tears that well up in my eyes. 

I can't bring myself to just break down.

Steven and I finally called it quits...

well,

I guess I called it quits. 

I couldn't keep going how we were. 

So now those flowers on the desk...

I guess I'll watch them wilt along with my emotions.

Slowly...

breaking down...

becoming weaker.

I have no walls to protect me anymore...

I have no saviors...

no guardian angels. 

Nothing to fall back on...

nothing to know that I will be okay.

That's why I've been "staying strong".

Why I say that I'm fine...

or at the very least:

I'll be fine, don't worry.

I don't want to bring others down with me...

so I collapse into myself.

Why should I bring others down,

when I can't even build myself up.

I don't wonder why I'm not getting over this cold...

I know that its because I'm keeping everything in and not getting the chance to heal.

I'm not stupid.

I know myself.

Maybe...

just maybe...

There will finally be an end to this act...

maybe something will click

meantime..

I guess I'll just watch everything wilt.

Day 53; March 4th, 2011: Job interview.

So today I had a job interview. I actually felt really pretty today too. That made me feel more comfortable. The interview went good. He said he'll call me sometime over the weekend and if I got the job I'll start work next week. Other than that my mind has been scrambled. Josh and I went to Mat's choir concert, it was fun. Josh and I left and went to Pizza Hut and got pizza. Thanks to my momma who sent me some money for dinner because she's unable to come up this weekend. I'm a little disappointed but I'm sure I'll see her soon. I've still been thinking about all the people I'm missing though... Devin, Adam, some times Derrik... but mostly Devin and Adam.

Tis the days like these that I wish we had never parted, for it is days like these that I know it'll never be like it was. And its days like these where the only thought I can have is the look you had when we watched that sun set over the never ending blue... its in that moment that it all started... the moment I knew I would always miss you