Day 84; April 4th, 2011: .... but he's different around me...

So I am beyond tired today. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I woke up this morning to a text though... it was Devin... saying he misses me. I miss him too, I know a lot of people say I shouldn't and that he's bad news for me. But he's different around me. Not just when its him and I but just around me in general. He's better when I'm around. I don't just miss him because I know this and feel like I need to be around him so he keeps his life on track, but I do honestly and truly miss him.
He knows I wont be with him if I know he's still doing everything he used to do, and since him and I have started talking more and more it seems like a lot of that doesn't matter to him anymore.
I wish he was here, I'm not going to lie. I keep feeling lonely, and wanting to just be cuddled with. I keep feeling vulnerable and like there's no open arms for me to turn to for a safe embrace. My bed keeps feeling bigger and bigger... and I haven't slept without the help of Tylenol PM in nights. Even with knocking myself out... I wake up all night from nightmares. They end up scaring me so much to here I really don't want to go back to sleep anyway.
I text Dev this morning and asked him why he misses me and he said "what is there not to miss". When he talks like that it just reminds me of what he put on the silly Myspace "buy your friends" app.... he bought me from one of my best friends and changed the status to "you might buy her back on here, but I'll always buy her back with my heart"...

... I just wish that everyone would give him a chance to be with me...