Day 322; November 29th, 2011: I miss being in those moments, in his arms... part of his life. I got signs of what I miss, but its just not enough.

      My mind is blank as my heart is full. That really just happened today. I know it was morally wrong because obvious reasons... but I couldn't say no. I didn't want to say no. I wanted that connection with him.
     My mind should be going crazy and my heart should be shattered but its not. None of what logically should be happening, is.
     As horrible as it is, my heart still beats for him. As much as I've tried to make it stop, as much as I've tried to stay away... none of it works. I want it to, but it doesn't.
     I've always been attached to him. Since the first day I saw him, he's had my attention. At first it was curiosity, then it was envy, then jealousy, then admiration, passion, love... turned in to hated and now its longing...
     Every single one of these takes dedication.
     When I'm in his presence, just seeing him, I want to talk to him. When I talk to him, I want to hug him. When I hug him, I want to kiss him. When I kiss him, I want to be in his arms. When I'm in his arms... I want time to stop.
     When I'm with him... just him and I... like how it used to be... how it should be... I feel safe from everything. All stress leaves and I can finally breathe. I don't feel suffocated. I feel I can be me.
     I never feel I can be me. I'm never comfortable enough, so when I can finally breathe, I never want it to end.
     Sadly it always does. I always know its going to but I always wish time would just stop and the entire world would just pause. No movement except him and I.
     Sometimes it feels like the world does actually stop... but its just me losing all track of time. I'll look at the clock and see it is 10:30 at night and then it seems like just seconds go by and I'll look at the colock and its 1:55 in the morning.
     It all just happens so fast to me, I can't imagine what it would be like to always be with him... The month him and I were together seemed like two or three. Every moment just seemed to go by fast but last forever at the same time.
     I miss being in those moments, in his arms... part of his life. I got signs of what I miss, but its just not enough.

I love coming home and my dog being crazy, hyper, excited to see me (as long as he doesn't scream).. 'cause he just runs around like he used to when he was a puppy. But since he's an old dog, he gets tired of doing that quickly and then just wants to snuggle... I'd say I get the best of both worlds.This lovely thing is supposed to help my shoulder. It has medication on the pad itself that gets absorbed into the muscle and then the middle thing that looks like a pencil sharpener attached to a battery at the doc's office and sends small shocks through to my muscle.

Weird, huh?