So today I woke up and decided that it was going to be a day of staying in bed and filling out job applications since apparently I wont be going to school this year either (thanks to the lovely person I have to call my father).This idea of a "lounge" work day was quickly defeated when I got a voice mail on my phone. I listened to the voice mail and promptly called back.
It was to schedule an interview for a job I had just sent my application into. Then I ended up scheduling my interview for three today.
The interview went good, but I don't think I'll be getting the job due to the fact that I'm so young and don't plan on staying in Oregon past July of 2012.
After that I called my dad so I could see if I could get something from the insurance saying that I am covered to drive my car... well, him and I got in a fight and I've decided that I'm done talking to him.
There's no point in me trying to continue a relationship with my father when there's no respect on either end.
Now readers, I've been getting message after message from you guys saying that you feel creepy reading about my day to day life when you still know nothing about me. And since today I got in a fight with my dad, it seems like a perfect day to enlighten all of you as to how my life has been and is. Just warning: I'm not writing this for sympathy or anything, my life happened how it happened and I don't regret any of it. Also, this is my truth, some of the facts might not be exact but they are how I remember them and how the memories effected me. So here it goes, and if you don't want to know... then stop reading now.
So we'll go with the basic "about me" stuff first: Well, I'm me, there's no changing that. Just get to know me before you judge me. I'll shock you.
I live my life full of color, though I like to wear black a lot. I love and live by quotes. I know a quote for every situation. {Go ahead and test that.}
Someday I want to be a choreographer, hence my major. I'm one of those girls that you will never understand. I possibly know too much about myself, and nothing about myself at the same time. My music taste is diverse to say the least. I can go from listening to opera to country to rock to metal in a day. Only music I don't like is: music that cusses every other word to where the song has no content and polka.I'm far from shy... but people who don't know me think I am. My favorite place in the world is on a stage or in the kitchen. I'm a "glass half full" type of person. The arts are my life, my friends and some of my family are what get me through and if I didn't have dance, my life would be incomplete. I love writing, singing, laughing, dancing, four-wheeling, off roading in big (lifted) trucks, football, basketball, shopping, boating, the list goes on forever. I'm one of those girls who is funny without meaning to be funny. I'm quick witted, sarcastic, humorous, humble, and I tend to be hyper.
I'm Christian. My opinion is exactly that; so please respect it. I don't know why I'm writing all of this since I know no one is going to really take the time to read all of it... but I can hope that someone does. It bothers me when people have issues with me, and don't tell me to my face. I'd rather have confrontation and truth from the source rather than finding out from someone else. My life has lasted 18 roller coaster years, working on its 19th, and I know there's more to live. With all this; I still know there's more in the world for me and that I'm meant for something amazing... I just have to figure out what.
Cheery, ain't it? Well now here's the truth:
I'm 19 and feel like I raised myself. My mom was and is always there for me but she never really felt like my mom, she just kinda felt like the person who watches after me. My dad was there for the first 9 years of my life and I idolized him. We were best friends and the weekends I got to be with him were my favorite. My parents separated when I was about 1 or so. So, yeah, I don't remember them being together.
My mom re-married and the guy didn't turn out to be as great as he made himself out to be so we left. She found a guy in California my third grade year so we moved there and he turned out to be worse so we moved back to Oregon in 1999. I went to four different elementary schools (not including when I went to Son Shine and YMCA). Moving became a negative in my life and is still very hard for me to do.While all that was going on with my mom, my dad was also moving my life around from Loleta, California to Portland and then to multiple houses through out Medford. I was really young, so I kinda didn't really have a say in what was going on but I know my mom knows it all still took a lot out of me and changed the person I was.
Middle school was fine with my mom, she started working again and that was a big adjustment for everyone. Also, my sister moved back in with us for a bit. Middle school is also when the stuff between my dad, who was my best friend, and I started to go so far south that there would be no fixing it. He started getting these little girly-friends who were just the worst people for him to ever be with. They completely destroyed my dad's and my relationship.
The first one was emotionally abusive and had called the cops on me for nothing. She later had her son and his friend show up with guns and kicked my dad out. Then there was a new girl who came into my dad's life rather quickly, even after I asked him to please take it slow. Nope, this one was an alcoholic and physically abusive. Great huh? Even better: they were super sweet to my dad, they were just mean to me. So when I would tell my dad everything that happened, guess who he believed? NOT ME! Yay. So that was that for my dad's and my relationship. He lost all my respect and all my trust. He wasn't a supporter in life, he was just a supporter financially.
For how I got on with life with all this going on... well, though people never guess it... I was suicidal for a bit. I would either attempt to overdose on meds or I'd cut my inner thighs. I made sure none of it was visible because I didn't want people to know. You see, readers, I was always good at wearing masks. I did it for my friends so that they don't hesitate to come to me with their issues. As you can tell, none of my suicide attempts were successful and I have friends to thank for that. I'm not sure if my mom even knows about this stage in my life because I knew it would destroy her.
Anyway, starting in 6th grade I kept getting sick. I wouldn't have a temperature but I'd just be sick to my stomach and doctors could never figure out why. I had been put on multiple medications and none of them did anything other than make my stomach feel like it was jumping through hoops and doing back flips. This lasted until about my Freshmen year in high school when finally my doctor sent me to a therapist. I was and still am diagnosed with a rare emotions disorder called Hyper Sensitivity.
See, most people's emotions are on a scale from 1 to 10... mine are from 10 to 100. I take things a lot harder than most people would. This was discovered because I kept saying to the therapist that my mom would yell at me when we fought, and my mom would have to think about it and she never remembered yelling. Turns out, because I take things to the extreme that I would hear yelling because of her tone. With this disorder, I was making myself physically sick. Then I would think about all the class work I was missing, which would in turn, just make me even more sick. It was a vicious cycle that I had to learn to control since there is no medication for this. I was and still am so thankful that my mom went with me to the therapist and was there with me to work through all of it. I can't say the same for my father. I think he went once, and I refused to be there with him. Either way, to this day he still denies that I have a disorder, but when we're fighting... he likes to use it against me so that I stop fighting for my side. By my Sophomore year I was able to say that I was in control of my disorder and was proud to say that I was.
So other than that readers, I don't know what to tell ya. I still have thoughts of suicide and cutting when things get really bad, but I haven't done either since my Sophomore year in high school. I started to release a lot into my dancing and my writing. I created a huge support group, and I'm thankful for every single person who is it that group. I stopped wearing masks because I figured out that the people who matter in my life deserve to know the real me and deserve to know what's really going on in my life. I think moving out on my own was the best thing that has ever happened in my life because I didn't grow up or mature really, but I just connected a lot of things and really figured out who I am. I thank living in Vegas and my friends in Vegas for a ton of that.
I guess now I can say why this ended up being the day that all this came out:I like to keep my family issues to myself because I don't want to be that girl who everyone thinks has "daddy issues" so that's why I like to have a boyfriend. That's not it at all. I like to have a boyfriend for support, yes, but I also like to have one because I like to have someone to care about, spoil a little and give my attention to. I like to have someone to have fun with, whether its going out or staying in. So though I have issues with my father, and its a touchy subject in my life... I wouldn't go as far to say that I try to fill that void in my heart due to my "daddy issues". My dad is still in my heart, that will never change.
How all this came up today though was because of the fight I had with my dad. We were fighting and he said that he deserves the respect from me and it took everything in me to say that he hasn't done anything to deserve my respect for him as anything more than a financial provider and that I deserve respect to. I didn't say any of that because with my dad... he wouldn't have heard it how it was meant to be anyway. But the real thing that just pushed me over the edge today, and what made me decide that I'm done with my father was because he decided to end the conversation by saying "I love you, and I just wish you loved me". That was the farthest degree of stepping over the line for me. Especially since he was so south of the being on my good side... this comment just made everything else he did beyond un-forgiveable.
So readers, that's who I am. I am a happy person, I'm self confident and have great self esteem. I don't regret anything that has happened to me since it has made me who I am. I stand tall, walk tall and dance taller. I love my family and have the up most respect for my mother. I have some resentment towards my sister, but I still love and respect her all the same. I love my dad, but things between him and I will never be any better than what they are today since I will never be able to bring myself to forgive him. I love my friends and would take a bullet for all of them. I don't hate many people, and those that I do... I still respect. I'm a very accepting person and try my hardest to not discriminate.
I'm going to stop writing this novel now.
P.S. I'm a Scorpio, my favorite color is teal and I love Italian food. ;)
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