Day 217; August 16th, 2011: Hiking and broke

 So today Chris, Mat, Ria and I went hiking up Spencer's Butte. It was so pretty and very much what I needed. Chris and I talked a lot too. He got me to realize a lot.
I tend to put myself out there and not expect anything in return. His example was this guy wont even get on a bus to come and see me but he expects me to go all the way to see him.
I'm not saying I'm a great girlfriend, but I know I do a lot for the guy when I'm in a relationship. I try my hardest to always be there for the guy and try my hardest to do whatever I can to make his life easier.

 But what do I get, usually a broken heart. I don't expect anything. Sometimes a simple thank you is more than I could ever ask for but sometimes I don't get that.
I told Chris that my "type" kinda tends to be jerk-ish. I tend to go for the guys that aren't going to treat me like a princess and aren't going to make me feel like I'm the best thing in the world. I don't know why I go for this, but I always have. I can't seem to break the habit.
I'm kind of trying right now but during that hike... I broke and I did what I told myself I never would:

 I text Devin. I told him that I just need someone to be there for me right now and he said he would be. I made him promise that he would never leave out of my life and he promised that he never would.
All this just reminds me of how him and I used to be... back in high school. Every time there's just one memory that comes back at all times.
There was this ridiculous app thing on Myspace where you could "buy your friends" and nickname them. My friends were having a hey-day with this but then one day I was having a horrible day... I got online and saw I had a notification from this app. 

 I checked it, and saw that Devin had "bought" me. I was kinda mad at him because him and I were fighting. My friend who previously "owned" me had put my nickname as:
"That one hott chick"
I didn't expect Devin to change it but he did... and when I read it I started grinning and crying. It said:
"You may buy her back, but I'll always win her with my heart."
How could I stay mad at that?

 Now every single time I'm mad at him, that memory comes into my mind. Sometimes it makes me even more mad at him, sometimes it makes me forgive him. But I always wonder if he remembers doing that.
Doubt it.
I wish I could go back in time. I can think of so many things I'd like a chance to change or just watch. I know I never regret anything that has happened... and I still don't, but sometimes... I just wonder "what if".
What if Devin and Mat had come to that first Valentine's dinner Sophomore year... what if I had gotten my license on time...

 what if I had tried harder... maybe that's where this having to do everything attitude came from... I didn't really try with Devin. And I regret it. I'm always stuck wondering what it would have been like if I had tried.
Now I possibly try to much, especially since I have the growing fear of getting hurt or hurting others.
People say I'm easy to fall in love with, so that's why I back up quickly when guys say something that just.... doesn't hit right with me.

Like I said, this hike was what I needed... though I still feel like I need to just break down and cry....